How to start a fight

**B Mac** · 07-27-2011, 10:11 AM

I got this in a e-mail at work. Pretty funny.

HOW TO START A FIGHT
>
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> a Christmas gift...
>
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
>
> When she asked me why, I replied,
>
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we were in bed.
>
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
>
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
>
> 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
>
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
>
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
>
> "Yes", she sighed,
>
> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> hasn't been sober since."
>
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?"
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
> thought of a clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
>
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
>
> I said, "Dust."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary.
>
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
> about 3 seconds."
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started......
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> for Social Security.
>
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> verify my age.
>
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
>
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> to pay me a compliment.'
>
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
>
> And then the fight started........
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
>
> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
>
> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
>
> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
>
> That's how the fight started.